Captain Hook’s Finest Insults

I love pirates – always have, right from being a kid. One of my favourite cartoons from childhood was Fox’s Peter Pan and the Pirates with the inimitable Tim Curry as Captain Hook. Curry’s portrayal was far closer to the original book than most others, portraying the captain as a gentleman villain, a complex man who loved Shakespeare and music as much as he loved loot and plunder. Surrounded by a crew of dunderheads, Hook was constantly exasperated by their shortcomings and had a fine array of curses and oaths with which to berate them. Here, then, is a selection of some of Captain Hook’s finest blood-curdling insults from the show, for all you scurvy dogs to feast upon. Enjoy, me hearties.

  • A plague on both your houses! (quoting Shakespeare)

  • Addle-headed simpleton!

  • Barnacle-riddled lummox!

  • Beady-eyed brain-dead troglodyte! (of the crocodile) 

  • Blathering tommycod!

  • Blubbering blubber-hunters!

  • Boyee! (of Peter Pan)

  • Brat-sized bagoong-eating bootlick that even a rain-necked lollygagging shore-loafer would disdain to dry dock!

  • Bricklayer’s clerk!

  • Brooklyn broom-bandit! (of Mullins)

  • Cabbage-headed coxcomb! (of Gentleman Starkey) 

  • Cheap cock-a-do! (a variant on ‘doodle-do’) 

  • Chicken-hearted son of a Brooklyn broom-bandit!

  • Clap-a-dungeon lummox!

  • Cock-a-doo dogs!

  • Contemptible rabble!

  • Contemptible, insignificant ignoramus!

  • Cretinous sea-vermin!

  • Dim-lit uncogitated numbskulls!

  • Doodle-dos! (of the Lost Boys)

  • Doolalley tap codger!

  • Dunderhead thespians who couldn’t act their way through an open portal! (of the Lost Boys’ woeful attempts to stage Shakespeare)

  • Dunderhead!

  • Empty-headed poltroon!

  • Frosty-faced foo-foo! (of Gentleman Starkey)

  • Ham-fisted incorrigible churls!

  • Heathens!

  • Heinous harridan! (of Wendy)

  • Hob-nob hobgoblin!

  • Hob-nob hubbub bubbers!

  • Hob-nob not-softy pongo pozzy-wallah! (a ‘pozzy wallah’ apparently means a man who is inordinately fond of jam – so there you go) 

  • I have never in my life encountered a stupider man than you – I couldn’t create a character of lesser intelligence even if I wrote my own… book (of Smee who inadvertently gives him the idea to turn author) 

  • I’ll retire to Bedlam! (Hook has clearly read ‘A Christmas Carol’ despite apparently originating from an earlier time!) 

  • I’ve seen better dancing in Bedlam!

  • If ignorance is bliss, Smee, then you must be the happiest man in the world!

  • If your wit was slower you lummox we’d go back in time!

  • Ignorant, illiterate, memory-deficient, swivel-eyed, knock-kneed, swayback, dunderheaded puny poltroon!

  • Ill-bred ladle jockey! (of Cookson) 

  • Illiterate squid-spit!

  • Illiterate youth with the memory of a sieve!

  • Insolent fingerling!

  • Insolent, chicken-hearted doe cocks!

  • Insubordinate slumgullion!

  • Jabbering jack in the dust!

  • Jack-a-dandy!

  • Jackal-hearted dog-whipping salt-course squire dimmer than my legendarily dunderheaded Lollygagging clap-a-dungeon lummox!

  • Lazy lip-swinging lollygaggers!

  • Lazy lob-livered boyee on a stolen inferno! (of Peter Pan)

  • Lazy poltroon!

  • Lazy waterdragon! (of the crocodile)

  • Lob-crawling molly!

  • Lob-lollied gowk!

  • Magical mannequins or Lilliputians of any description! (Hook has clearly read ‘Gulliver’s Travels’)

  • Mawkish cloying namby-pamby pusillanimous peasant!

  • Mindless mewling flying maggot!

  • Misanthropic mastodon!

  • Misbegotten bilge-rats!

  • Miserable and pessimistic doomsayer! (of Mullins)

  • Miserable slubberdegullion! (meaning a ‘slobbering or dirty fellow’)

  • Mudpilot! (of one of his crew trying to row him ashore)

  • Mutinous jackanapes!

  • Mutinous magpie!

  • Mutton-eyed miscreant!

  • Pestilential poppycock!

  • Pint-sized pusillanimous purveyor of phony pharmaceuticals! (of Wendy as she brings him medicine during his convalescence) 

  • Pipe-laying popinjay!

  • Poltroon!

  • Poultry poltergeist!

  • Pusillanimous pixie! (of Tinkerbell)

  • Pusillanimous poltroon!

  • Rum gagger! (one who made up exaggerated stories of their exploits at sea, usually fuelled by drink) 

  • Saints preserve me from moronic matalos!

  • Scugs!

  • Scurvy reptilian gastropod! (of the crocodile)

  • Scurvy scup scrubbers!

  • Scurvy-ridden mutinous incompetents!

  • Slack-brained!

  • Slippery flying fish! (of Peter Pan while the latter is trying to escape by flying off)

  • Slippery little dandy-master!

  • Sloppy English, Mr Mullins – if that is indeed the language you purport to speak!

  • Squid-brained, oil-headed, one-handed, dead-eyed, spray-backed, bow-legged, parasitic excuse for a land-bound, press-ganged, spit of a seasick demon!

  • Stentorian psychopath! (of the crocodile and the noises it makes while attacking)

  • Stupidest boson ever to tread a man-of-war deck! (of Smee)

  • Swivel-eyed will-o-the-wisp!

  • The moronic musings of these mealy-mouthed malcontents! (of his mutinous crew)

  • The nit-witticisms of a nattering nabob of negativism!

  • The scurviest crew of louse-ridden barnacled blue-jackets ever to tread a man-of-war deck!

  • There isn’t so much as a soupsaw of grey matter in that worthless cranial cavity you call a head! (of Smee)

  • Unadulterated unintelligence!

  • Vexatious imps! (of the Lost Boys) 

  • Vile little nematodes! (a type of ringworm) 

  • Weavil-fed son of a seacock!

  • Worthless sea vermin!

  • Wretched cullies!

  • Wretched, insolent doodle-do!

  • You are a liar, a dissembler and prevaricator of the first magnitude! (of Smee)

  • You overgrown oxymoron!

  • Your cerebral cortex is terminally concussed! (of Smee)

  • Your mendacity is exceeded only by your miserable attempt to disguise it! (of Smee)

  • Your stupidity is endlessly impressive! (of Smee)

And finally, this gem from ‘The Ages of Pan Part One’

  • If I must die, I will encounter darkness as a bride and hug it in my arms. For I, at least, have lived a full life, Peter Pan. I have been a child, I have been a youth, I have been a man, a scholar and a gentleman. I have sailed the world with the finest navy ever to see sun, moon or sky set. In short, I have lived a full life. Whereas you are a pathetic creature ever locked in the pathetic egocentricities of childhood. You will never be a youth and you will never be a man. So – finish me now, and be done with it!

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